Things I Have Written for Children I Have Yet to, and Will Never, Have
Dec 12th, 2016:
I tell my mother I am not well
She asks if I am pregnant
I say, No, unless a runny nose is a sign of pregnancy.
May 14th, 2018:
It’s four days before my period is due
And my body is telling me that the babies still
won’t come
My womb moves in mysterious ways
Like everywhere and not at all
I am so full of nothing that
Sometimes, I pretend I do not want
To trick God into filling me up.
Sept 25th, 2018 – edit:
I tell my mother I am not well
She asks if I am pregnant, I say, No
Unless a runny nose is a sign of pregnancy
She laughs
I chuckle
She talks
I think
We talk?
I am not here.
Aug 31st, 2021:
If I wasn’t broken, I’d use another word
Like, “capable,” but I am not
And I am grateful.
Feb 22nd, 2022:
I am a hardened shell
Softened in revealing
The yolk inside me
Call me a spill, if
You will, but do not call me
An emptying [place]
My spirit, my own hovering
Mother, teaches me good birth, unclean.
Jan 12th, 2022 – edit:
I imagine a different conversation—
I tell my mother I am not well
She asks if I am pregnant
I say, Yes
I say, It is 2022 and all of the dead are dying
Am I wicked to attempt life at a burial?
She asks, But are you well? I say, No
I have these flowers for my young, their delivery
Will be the funeral I show up to
Just to see them put into the ground
I have prepared the eulogy
I have laid out my best black dress, heels
Perfect for the after-after party
I will hold them tight to my chest, party
Like it’s 1999, because it has always been
She taps my shoulder
She asks my wilting children if they can have this dance
Slips her hand into mine, presses cheek upon mine
She says something about the good times, the meaning of life
Things that remind me of how much I love and resent love
How it is our favorite way to pretend
I press my cheek back into her cheek
Ask my mother if she is well
She says
Sometimes
She says
I am still a hopeful dancer with all these flowers
For my young, cradling you
In the center of a sinking floor.
Alyesha Wise